Thursday, April 12, 2007

Dr. (J) and Mr. A

You see, here's my theory. Jarvis Hayes, in the course of his never-ending quest to sweeten his J, bade Michael Ruffin teach him the ways of alchemical engineering, that he might craft a J-sweetening potion. Ruffin obliged, and after many hours of labor, Jarvis and he emerged from the Wizards' laboratory, a goblet of steaming, foul-smelling liquid hoisted before them. "Behold!" quoth Jarvis, "Yon mixture of frog's legs (for elevation), aspartame (for sweetness & just one calorie), and Axe deodorant (for the laydays) will grant to its quaffer a J of purest saccharine!" But as Jarvis brought the rank brew to his lips, Ruffin raised a meaty paw and said: "STOP! It is true that this potion will grant you the second-smoothest shooting motion - behind Ray Allen - in the league. But this power comes at a price: the chemicals are unstable, and your J may abandon you without warning." A bead of sweat trickled down Ruffin's lumpy brow. "You will become... ARVIS HAYES." But it was too late: Jarvis had already drunk the potion and left the room, five minutes before Ruffin finished talking. "Dang," said Ruffin, "that always happens."

The long and short of it is that there is no such person as (J)arvis Hayes: there is Jarvis Hayes, and there is Arvis Hayes, and they are two sides of the same man. I propose that, for the sake of clarity, the Wizards' box scores from now on should name the appropriate personality for a given night; for example:

J. Hayes 26 pts, 9/11 FG, 8/9 3pt, 11 reb, 7 ast, 3 stl.

A. Hayes 3 pts, 1/12 FG, 1/5 3pt, 1 reb.

This would make things easier for everyone--most of all for Jarvis Hayes, who will stop being blamed for the eggs laid by his incompetent in-body doppelganger.