No more Predictions

The time has come for (J)arvis to stand on his own now that the playoffs are here, so I'm going to stop predicting his stats for every game. But I will make this prediction: Caron Butler returns for game 3 at the Verizon center.

Cleveland, here we come!

Our boys did it. They won the final game of the regular season and move into the playoffs on a slightly positive note. Although his scoring touch was lacking, (J)arvis managed the game-clinching steal on Indiana's last possession.

Stat line:
9 points
3 rebounds
2 steals

3/10 FG
1/2 3PT

Postseason here we come

Indiana is one of the few teams that's playing as poorly right now as the Wizards are. It's a winnable game and a win could make the difference between the 6 seed and the 8 seed. If (J)arvis can successfully post up smaller players (like he tried, and failed, to do with J.J. Redick last night) it will be a huge boost for a team with extremely limited offensive options.

Predicted stats:
40 points
4 rebounds
4 assists

16/24 FG
6/9 3 PT

Stumble to the Finish

Like our beloved Wizards, this blog is stumbling towards the end of its run. After the dreadful beating they took at the hands of the Bulls, it's looking quite likely that the Wizards will end their run losing 14 of 15 games with their lone win coming against the Atlanta Hawks' JV squad. I'm making a bold prediction that (J)arvis comes through tonight with a superhuman effort to propel us to victory over the Magic, but my heart really isn't in it.

Predicted stats:
33 points
4 rebounds
3 assists

14/22 FG
5/7 3PT

bonus prediction: Caron Butler will once again put forth more effort than most of the Wizards in uniform.

First round preview?

This afternoon the Wizards get the Chicago Bulls in a potential preview of the 2-7 matchup in the Eastern Conference playoffs. I like the way the Wizards match up against the Bulls, because they like to give up open jump shots and the Bulls often have cold nights where they're missing a lot of open jump shots. I feel like the Wizards could even steal a game from them in the playoffs. However, the obvious highlight of this game is handsome Jarvis Hayes in HD! Please, out of concern for their safety, don't let your lady friends get too close to the TV.

Predicted stats:
17 points
2 rebounds
2 assists

7/18 FG
3/7 3PT

Reverse Arvinomics

Every time I predict a good game for him, Arvis has a poor or mediocre game. When I predict a mediocre game, he goes for a career high. Against Miami, even with all their injuries and a limited D. Wade, the Wiz are going to need to play some serious ball. So here's my contribution in the form of predicted stats for the Wizards' savior:

3 points
2 rebounds
1 assist
1 steal

1/7 FG
1/4 3PT

Bonus prediction: Shaq drops 30+, Wade drops 25, and Antawn Jamison ruptures his spleen.

More Predictions

Tonight the Wizards will break their streak of 2 consecutive moral victories and achieve an authentic victory over the New Jersey Nets. Andray Blatche will make a triumphant return to the court backing up our man Jarvis. (Aside: Was it strange to anyone else that Blatche went from DNP, coaches decision to starter when Antawn Jamison went down? How does Eddie Jordan come up with his rotation and substitution patterns?) Our hero will have another great game and start ruining fantasy basketball seasons by continuing his break-out in the midst of the fantasy playoffs, killing championship-bound squads as a late pick-up like a 2004 Billy Volek.

Predicted Stats:
26 points
5 rebounds
2 assists

11/21 FG
4/8 3PT

The New Mr. 50

Although he fell short of our lofty expectations in his first game as the newly crowned savior of the Wizards' season, he showed some positive signs. 50% from the field and beyond the arc and solid defense against the 36th President of the United States. Sadly, the result for the team was no different than usual, as they lost the lead late and went down in defeat.

But a new challenge awaits tonight, as our man squares off against the New Jersey Nets and half man, half effort, Vince Carter. Although they have struggled in recent times against New Jersey, I'm feeling good about this game.

Predicted Stats:
15 points
7 rebounds
2 assists

6/11 FG
3/6 3PT

Sweet J brings the D

I second your prediction, but I furthermore predict that (D)arvis guards Queen LeTravel all night long and shuts him down like a brownout in post-Katrina New Orleans. So instead of a stat line for our protagonist, here's one for Monsieur James:

LeBron Buttock:

0/12 FG
1/4 FT
2 reb
1 ast

1 point.

After the game, quoth TheBron: "Man, (J)arvis was all up ons like butter on a muffin. I knew he had a sweet (J), but nobody told me about his tasty (D)."

Upcoming game against the Cavs

Projected stats for tonight's game against Cleveland:

27 points
8 rebounds
3 assists
1 steal

12/21 FG
3/7 3PT

Broken kneecaps: 0