Monday, April 9, 2007

Re: Haters

It has come to my attention that there exist - to my infinite horror - fans of the Washington Wizards who are not, ipso facto, fans of (J)arvis Hayes. Prior to my coming into possession of this knowledge, I would have Venn-diagrammed the Wizards fan -
(J)arvis fan continuum thusly:

(By the way, they really oughta be the (W)izards until they (W)in a damn game.) Any rational person would expect that to be the result of a random survey of 1,000 people from anywhere on the Earth. Washington Wizards fans, it seems, are not rational:

This is not just a Venn-diagram: this is a crime against Humanity. It is our mission, my friends, to stem the tide of hatred and ignorance which has devoured (J)arvis, its innocent victim. It won't be easy. A random sampling of webpages about our hero is not encouraging:

The Wikipedia entry, in particular, is wildly inaccurate: how can a purportedly "objective" article on Hayes never once use the phrase "sweet, sweet (J)," nor say a word on his breathtaking facial bone structure and winning smile? It's madness! Other folks, not to be outdone, are saying crap like this:

I hear [(J)arvis] is calling himself Mr. 40 - and not
'cause of the case of Schlitz he keeps in his locker.
He actually won't speak to anyone on the team
who is shooting *above* 40%. Which pretty much
means it's him and Ruffin in the corner, playing
Parcheesi into the wee hours of the night.

Okay, I made that one up myself. But it's representative of the sort of slander that is so prevalent on the internet, and which you'll never see here.

No comments: