Friday, April 6, 2007

(J)arvis FAQ

Q: Who is (J)arvis Hayes?
A: Everyone knows that he is the starting center for the Washington Wizards. Sometimes he plays shooting guard. That's what is so great about (J)arvis: his versatility.

Q: Why are there parentheses around his (J)?
A: Until the recent sightings of his sweet (J) are unconditionally confirmed, (J)arvis is only provisionally granted access to the first letter of his name. We are confident that he will soon regain full custody of his initial initial.

Q: What is a sweet (J)?
A: Haven't you been paying attention? When (J)arvis elevates and the ball leaves his hand - from now until the moment the Wizards are swept in the first round of the playoffs - there is only one possible result: a sweet (J).

Q: Why do you hate (J)arvis Hayes so much?
A: What the hell are you talking about? Are you an idiot? Isn't it perfectly obvious that I regard (J)arvis Hayes as the best and most underappreciated professional basketball player on the planet? Isn't it perfectly obvious that if I were Ernie Grunfeld, and Kevin McHale grabbed me by the balls and said, "Ernie, I'm not letting go of your f***ing balls until you agree to trade me (J)arvis Hayes for Kevin Garnett, straight up, one-for-one, no questions asked," I would look Kevin McHale in the eye and say, "squeeze away, McHale - you're not getting your hands on my sweet, sweet (J)." Isn't it obvious?

Q: Why is every statement of yours suffused with bitter irony?
A: Some questions aren't meant to be answered.